Monday, March 4, 2013

Mercury Is In Retrograde

In the past week, The Blog's beloved Mac G5 broke down.

Both of his printers, both new, stopped printing.

Some ass-hat clipped the passenger side mirror of his Mazda Tribute, breaking the glass.

The itinerant tree trimmer did a so-so job of trimming my trees, hauled half of the resulting cut branches and palm fronds away, then disappeared without a trace, leaving piles of limbs and branches in The PC's driveway.

Why, The Blog wonders, does so much shit go down at once?

According to more than one of The Blog's wonderful and perfectly intelligent friends have answered...

"Mercury is in retrograde."

Oh. Well.

That explains it.

The relative position of the stars and planets explains why technology sucks and people are assholes.

"Mercury is in retrograde."

Based on the number of times that The Blog has been told this...

Mercury must be in retrograde 345 days a year.

It doesn't matter when, or how often...

Whenever things go balls up, The PC hears the same explanation from these good people.

"Mercury is in retrograde."


When the fuck isn't Mercury in retrograde?

And, why are intelligent people sighting astrology as an explanation for when shit happens, every time shit happens?

The Blog is a Virgo.

It has been scientifically proven that Virgos don't believe in that crap.

Astrology is a load of Taurus shit.

Of course, it is no less plausible than the theory that the failure of The PC's technology or the accidental hit-and-run assault on his truck is "God's plan."

"When God closes a door, he opens a window."

"Everything happens for a reason."

"God only gives us as much as we can handle."

Fuck that shit.

"Shit happens."

That's all.

Why shit seems to happen in clusters, I don't know.

It seems like a pretty stupid plan, if you ask me.

Going back to my printer problems...

The Blog's brother-in-law shared this with him.

I wish that I had written it!

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