Tuesday, July 30, 2013


*The following rant will be irrelevant to you if you don't  live in Los Angeles, New York City or Chicago. But, you're welcome to hang out, anyway.*

For the last couple of weeks, Time Warner Cable has been in contract negotiations with CBS Networks for the broadcast rights in TWC's largest markets.

This sort of thing goes on between every cable provider and every network, every time  re-negotiation time comes around.

With very few exceptions, by the eleventh hour, the weaker of the two sides caves and a deal is struck. It's business as usual in the broadcast/cable trade.

But, a little over a week ago, both sides of the TWC/CBS negotiations were taken to the public.

And, when a relationship battle goes public, it gets ugly.

(See "Kim Basinger v. Alec Baldwin," "Katy Perry v. Russell Brand," "Minnie Driver v. Matt Damon," or "Taylor Swift v. Half of Hollywood's male population.")

A little over a week ago, CBS began airing commercial spots warning their viewers that TWC was "holding [CBS programing] hostage." At the same time TWC began airing spots (on any non-CBS network in it's system,) accusing CBS of the same thing.

It's not without precedent. About a year ago, a similar PR war erupted between TWC and Comcast (NBC/Universal networks.) But, at the last moment, a compromise was attained and all was well.

The thing is that this whole battle is a ludicrous game of corporate chicken.

It is so insane that The Blog is afraid that the House Republicans may be taking notes.

The fact is, not coming to some sort of compromise is a lose/lose proposition that neither side, (unless one or the other has completely lost their minds,) will ever allow to happen.

Time Warner Cable, (America's largest cable provider,) and CBS Networks, (America's #1 broadcast network, as well as CBS owned networks like Showtime, Nickelodeon, MTV and VH1 are no slouches, either,) desperately need each other to survive.  


When both of these gigantic, multi-national, mega-corporations point fingers at each other and call the other "greedy..."


That qualifies the whole battle for the cover story of this month's edition of "Pot & Kettle" magazine.

*End Digression*

So, where does everything stand now? 

 That is an excellent question! (Thank you for asking.)

Last night was supposed to be the deadline for negotiations.

Last night, at 9:00 PM EDT, TWC announced that they were dropping CBS Networks.

And, before the clock struck 10:00 PM EDT, TWC changed their minds, and re-opened negotiations.

The ad spots are still running on both sides.

But, who the fuck are either of them kidding?

A deal will be made.

Because neither side can afford the alternative.

So, again, who are they kidding?

*Full Disclosure*

About 90% of The PC's annual income comes from CBS Television. So, he has some skin in the game.

But, more importantly...

About 80% of the television Mrs. Blog watches is on CBS. And we get CBS via TWC.

(Me? I'm mostly concerned about getting my "The Big Bang Theory" and "Under the Dome.)


And, BTW, TWC...

I have, right next to me, my TWC cable bill for this month, for about $100.00.

So, get your shit together, both of you!  

                                                              Or, I'll shoot this dog.

 If you get my drift.

Settle this nonsense.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Another Sad Passing

This past Sunday, Dallas based syndicated radio personality David "Kidd" Kraddick died suddenly in New Orleans, while playing golf in a fundraising tournament benefiting his own charitable foundation "Kidd's Kids."

I have never heard his radio show. I have caught him a couple of times on the syndicated television show "Dish Nation."

I may have never known who he was, but for the fact that he has made numerous appearances, over the last few years, on a couple of the TV shows that I work on.

He made those appearances, not to hawk books or his own shows, but to promote awareness of his foundation. "Kidd's Kids," his philanthropic endeavor dedicated to bringing joy to chronically and terminally ill children.

I didn't know him well. At best, I would have to call him "an acquaintance."

But, he was always friendly and funny and always took the time to hang with the crew.

He was one of the good ones. And he will be missed.

But here is the thing that has me shaken...

Kidd would have celebrated his 54th birthday on August 22.

That makes him about two weeks older than me.

He was handsome, slim, highly energetic and, at least, somewhat athletic.

Me? I'm, okay, kind of cute, but a good 35 pounds overweight and you will never find me on a golf course.

The preliminary autopsy report found that Kidd had an enlarged heart and cardiac disease.

Jefferson Parish Deputy Coroner Dr. Granville Morse told The Dallas Morning News...
"His heart was enlarged. You have several vessels, and three were diseased -- the worst of which was 80 percent blocked. That combination, an enlarged heart and cardiac disease, when someone dies like this it's usually dysrhythmia, which leads to an irregular heartbeat."

"Imagine you turned off the faucet for the blood to go back to the brain. It not only doesn't get to the brain, but it doesn't get to the heart. Both stop working simultaneously."
I smoke, I drink, I eat all of the wrong foods. Most of my joints hurt when I move and mowing the lawn is my idea of exercise.

And yet, here I am tonight, alive and well, and writing about Kidd's death.


It's a strange old world, isn't it?

Bonus Post: Ann Coulter's Ears

Over the last couple of weeks, right-wing pin-up girl, Ann Coulter has been making the talk show rounds, pimping her latest book, entitled...

Oh, who the fuck gives a shit?

The point is that everyone from Fox "News" to Bill Maher have been giving her a platform to spew her vile bile.

And The Blog has a thought or two on the subject.

So, here we go.

As we have established, The PC is a make-up artist, by profession.

I have done her make-up several times. She hugs me when she sees me and has called me "awesome."

I find this incredibly hilarious.

The first time I found out she was going to be on our show, I was livid that we were giving her a platform. As it turns out, every time she comes on, she gets her boney ass handed to her.

So, this...

Yeah, she has a visible Adam's apple.

Not, in The Blog's layman's opinion, because "she is a transsexual."

The Blog considers the innuendo that she is "Man Coulter" offensive on behalf of the transsexuals that he knows and loves.

Again, in my layman's opinion, her Adam's apple is visible because she suffers from anorexia.

She shows all of the symptoms.

But, never mind that.

The thing about Ann Coulter that freaks The Blog out, is...

                                                                      ... her ears.

The freakiest, fucking ears that The PC has ever seen, this side of "Star Trek's" Ferengis.

They just are not right.

The Blog just had to put that out there.

Thanks for listening.

Playing Whack-A-Mole


The Blog wanted to have put a fork in his whole Zimmerman verdict rant, by now.

But, because of his whole, "I'm going to research the shit out of this before I post it," thing, getting there has been like playing a great big game of "Whack-A-Mole."

Every night, more stories. More links to pertinent information. And enough new stuff that is peripheral to the story, if not directly linked.

Like tonight.

It seems that the Klu Klux Klan has decided to go all Neighborhood Watch in [insert sarcasm font here] "dangerous suburban communities" all over America.

Because, why should George Zimmerman have all the fun?

Check out this USAToday.com report about one such community.

(Thanks to aattp.org for sharing.)

(Sorry about the commercial for a giant, multi-national, corporate, bank before the video starts. Just get through it. The story is worth it.)

I'll be here when you get back.

Okay, first...

Let me just say that The Blog is [insert sarcasm font, again] every bit as shocked as the citizens interviewed in the video to learn that the KKK is active in Oak Ridge, TN.

[end sarcasm font]

But, it's not just Oak Ridge.

Take a minute and Google "KKK Neighborhood Watch."

Did you do that?

"About 485,000 results," as of this writing.


Stories from all over the country.

Mostly the south and mid-west.

And did you notice that an alarming number of those Google hits, just in the top couple of pages, are positive stories from the usual gang of right-wing and "Christian" web sites?

That's right.

World Net Daily, aka: wnd.com, those fine folks [sarcasm font, but you know that by now] who made their bones perpetuating the anti-Obama "birther" conspiracy, are totally okay with the KKK patrolling the streets of suburbia.

Just an observation...

Take a look at the graphic of a flier that The PC chose for this post. Then, remember the fliers in the video.

The Blog lives in a neighborhood that has a legitimate Neighborhood Watch.

When that watch distributes a newsletter, they tuck it in the screen door of The Blog's house or if the gate is closed and the BlogDog is out, they tuck it into the gate.

The same goes for ads for lawn and tree services, remodelers, local Italian and Chinese restaurants, real estate agents and other legitimate businesses.

And, they are distributed during the day.

The thing that these KKK fliers seem to have in common is this...

They are tucked into a Baggie™ with a handful of rocks, so they can be tossed into yards, with some accuracy, from a moving vehicle.

(The Blog is assuming a pick-up truck, but that may be an unfair stereotype.)

And, according to reports, in the dead of night.

Just what we need.

A bunch of secretive, historically violent, racist, vigilante, yahoos patrolling our neighborhoods.

"So (we) can sleep tonight."

What could possibly go wrong?


The Blog wonders what will pop up tomorrow.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Leading Up to The Last Rant: Part 2

The Blog has decided that the best way to get to his last rant about the Zimmerman trial and the semi-baffling response to it's outcome by the media and many of The Blog's own white, conservative friends, is to dole out some of the information that he has collected, ahead of "Part 2" so that when we get there, you will have already seen some of the stuff The PC will be referring to.

When that final rant comes, you can always go back and refresh your memory with these previous posts.

Your homework for tonight is a gem from a right-wing media whore and a bit of false equivalency that conservatives are so good at.

First, conservative pin-up girl Ann Coulter's latest think piece seems to be designed to prove to us all that she is not a racist. It is a list of her own "black heroes."

I have no intention of driving traffic to the odious right-wing, op-ed, dumpster that is Townhall.com. The Blog went there so that you don't have to. I have read the original piece, so I can attest that the link I am sending you to is quoting the piece accurately.

Go to this page on Vice.com and scroll down until you see...

                                                                        ...This photo.
Then, start reading.

Did you get that?

I know. Right?

"Blade:The Vampire Hunter." (Probably because Wesley Snipes has so little regard for The I.R.S.)

"Fat Albert." (Probably because Dr. William H. Cosby has so little regard for fellow African-Americans who don't "lift themselves up by their bootstraps" and become comedy and television superstars and/or get a PhD from an Ivy League school.)

Most of the other examples are equally ridiculous, (except for the "guy in Cleveland," whose name she doesn't actually know, [Charles Ramsey, FYI,] who really is a hero.) But, The PC ran out of snark after "Blade" and "Fat Albert."

I have said it before, I will say it again.

Satire is getting harder and harder.

Now, go back and read the rest of the Vice.com post.

It's all pretty interesting, considering that we are now living in a "post-racist" America.

Pay special attention to the tragic story of baby Antonio West.

Virtually all of The PC's white, male, conservative friends have made a point of posting variations on the meme that arose after Zimmerman's acquittal.

The Blog will spare you the various text over photo memes that he has seen and just give you the text.

Where to begin?

First off, baby Antonio's last name was not "West." It was "Santiago." "West" is his mother's maiden name.

But, "Santiago" is way too ethnic. Not at all "white" enough. It just doesn't play in a "black on white" murder story. So, as a Hollywood studio "suit" might ask, "Can we call him something less Hispanic? His mother's name is West. Can we call him West?"


"Why didn't the "liberal" media have more to say about this crime? And, why hasn't the president made a speech about him?"
Well, probably because two suspects were arrested and held in jail, pending a trial in August, within 24 hours of the murder.
"But, why did the District Attorney's office "decide" not to seek the death penalty for those suspects?"
Because, the suspects are minors. And in the state of Georgia, where the murder occurred, minors cannot be given the death penalty.
"Why wasn't baby Antonio's murder ruled a "hate crime," like the Trayvon Martin case was?"
Because the murder of Trayvon Martin was not "ruled a hate crime." Not ever.

"Okay, then why is there no white Al Sharpton and no White Panther Party standing for justice for baby Tony West? It must be because they would be declared "racist."
Jeezus... What the fuck is your damage?

Have you never heard of The KKK, the Neo-Nazis or David Duke?

But, I get it.

You are #notracist.


Keep telling yourselves that.

But, in the last few days, the whole Antonio West case got really weird.

The local C.S.I.s made an interesting discovery.

Recent evidence in the Antonio Santiago case reveals that both of the baby's parents—Sherry West and Louis Santiago—had gunshot residue on their hands on the day of the shooting.

Even though Sherry West claimed that her husband was not present at the time of the murder.

While the fact that Sherry West, the baby's mother, was also shot during her son's killing could explain why residue was found on her, it is unclear how or why the baby's father, Louis Santiago, would have been exposed to gunshot residue.
 "A conclusion from the state forensic report says, "This supports the possibility that [Louis Santiago] discharged a firearm, was in close proximity to a firearm upon discharge, or came into contact with an item whose surface bears GSR [gunshot residue]."
 Don't get me wrong. The accused teens are no angels. They have some pretty impressive rap sheets.

But, as they say, that's not all!

Sherry West's daughter, Ashley Glassey has her doubts.
"Glassey said she started to have her doubts after receiving a phone call from her mother telling her that her brother, Antonio Santiago, had been killed. She claims the night of the shooting her mother asked, "How soon do you think life insurance policy will send me a check?"
... Ashley Glassey says her mother is bipolar and has schizophrenic tendencies. She believes her mother is on medication but could not tell me any prescriptions specifically. 

"She changed her story she told me the baby was shot first and then she told me she was shot first," said Glassey."
Soak that all in.

More tomorrow.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

The Last George Zimmerman Rant: Part 1.5

Sometimes your Old Uncle PC starts writing a post that he thinks is going to be a pretty simple, straightforward, from the gut rant about whatever is bugging him at the moment.

Then he makes a big mistake.

He decides that the subject of the rant might just be important enough to require...


Looking for actual facts, links to stories, corroborating stories, graphics and so on.

And with each newfound bit of material that The Blog uncovers, he finds more than he was looking for. Which leads to more research.

And before The Blog knows it, what should have been an easy 45 minutes of late night, scotch and nicotine fueled spleen venting, morphs into a whole week of obsessive information gathering.

And all of that happens before The Blog can sort it all into the final form of an informative and, hopefully, entertaining blog post.

And sort, I must.

Right now, The PC's Mac desktop looks something like...

                                                  J.K. Rowling's "Harry Potter" outlines.

Or a "murder board" from you favorite detective show.

"Castle," "Rizzoli & Isles," "Elementary," "Major Crimes," etc. Pick one or all of them.


Yeah. The "murder board" seems a more apt analogy, here.

Because the more complicated it becomes, the more patterns that emerge, the more disturbing it all becomes.

Which is definitely the case at this moment.

And this is where the whole "therapy" thing that is the main reason that The Blog started blogging, comes into play...

The fact is, until I get it all sorted out and committed to a final post, all of this shit is just going to keep rattling around in my head, during my every waking hour.

My therapist friend, (I don't have a therapist. I have a friend who is a therapist. And whether I like it or not, she therapises me, at no charge, at any given opportunity,) tells me that this is a mild form of OCD.

The PC is not a germaphobe. His desk is a mess and there are dirty dishes in his sink, as I write this. Crooked pictures on walls bug me, but my the walls of my house are full of them. I cope.

The Blog's compulsion is the need to get the shit that drives him crazy, out of his head.

Now, I hear what you are thinking.

You are thinking...

'Uncle PC. In the past you have promised posts about everything ranging from why you love certain television shows to why rich people aren't like the rest of us. But you have left us hanging. What's up with that?"

Good question.

And here is a good answer.

All of those things are still in my head. Banging against The Blog's skull, yearning to be free.

And you can bet that The Blog will get there.

Sooner or later.

Because that is his compulsion.

Which brings us full circle.

During the last few nights, as The Blog has done the research for his final rant about the Zimmerman/Martin case, the whole damned thing has collided, head on, with the topic of "why the rich are not like us."

It's complicated. (As they say on Facebook.)

But, as my rural friends and family like to say, "God willing and if the creek don't rise," in another night or two, The Blog won't just address his thoughts about the Zimmerman case, he will "kill two birds with one stone" and finally get around to airing his "rich people" issues.

In the meantime, just to make it all easier on The Blog...

I'm going to assign some homework.

Go check out the following links. 

Five Facts About George Zimmerman.

Martin Bashier on MSNBC.

John McCain on "Stand Your Ground" laws.


The Right-Wing Response to Pres. Obama's Response


The Naive Conservative Conversation

Those stories should get you primed for "Part Two."

Keep them in mind when "Part Two" posts.

There won't be a pop quiz. But, pretend that there will be.

Once we get all of that out of the way...

The Blog will be able to breath a sigh of relief and spend a few nights talking about "Once Upon a Time," "Elementary," and "Bates Motel."

You know. Fun shit that doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Another Delay

"Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans." -- John Lennon

The Blog has probably posted that quotation before.

(And no, I am not going to search my past posts to find it.)

But, the promised "Part 2" is getting pushed back another night.

Partly because I have been busy doing other things. Partly because The PC keeps stumbling across new tidbits that will add flavor to the finished post.

Let's all hope that the delay is worth it.

To tide you over, for now...

If you have not seen the viral video known as "Grandma Drummer," you probably aren't on the internet. In which case, you are not reading this post.

Just go to YouTube™ and search for it. It's pretty awesome.

And now, the mystery has been solved.

Thanks to "Digital Goddess" Kim Komando, for sharing this news story about this rockin' lady.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013


The Blog isn't trying to stretch out his last rant about George Zimmerman like Peter Jackson stretching out The Hobbit.

The truth is, The PC got on line late tonight, and is still catching up with the very topic that he wants to address.

So, here's looking toward tomorrow night.

In the meantime...

A couple of posts ago, The Blog regaled you with a story of jury duty, and how justice has been replaced by lawyerly acrobatics. 

The PC, just today, stumbled across a blog post by one of his favorite bloggers, television writer and producer Earl Pomerantz.

(Check out his IMDb page here. The man is no slouch.)

The Blog, who has been following Earl's newer posts for about a year, recently jumped back to the beginning of Earl's blog and has been, slowly, catching up.

Okay, The Blog isn't even close to "catching up." He is still working his way through Earl's first year of posts, 2008.

The PC didn't even have a Facebook page in 2008, let alone a blog.

The post I read today is attributed to Earl's occasional, fictional alter-ego, "Uncle Grumpy."

(HOLY SHIT! The PC has managed to plagiarize a character that he didn't know existed until more than a year after he started blogging! Great minds? Or can I just not catch a break?)

The post is from October 2008, and makes a point very similar to the point that The Blog tried to make about the legal system, a few nights ago.

Go. Read. Enjoy.

One last thing...

Attention Anthony Wiener...

The PC thought that you were a great senator. He thinks you would be a terrific mayor of New York.

But, for the love of God, stop with the Twit pics.

Monday, July 22, 2013

The Last George Zimmerman Rant: Part One

(I hope.)

Okay, first off, let's get this out of the way...

Earlier today, ABCNews.com reported that George Zimmerman was one of two people who rescued a family from an overturned SUV.

See the story here.

By this afternoon, the story had been shared by many news sources, and news-ish sources, From CBS and CNN to The Huffington Post, and others.

Also, not surprisingly, every right-wing, propaganda web site and blog had done the same.

Now, call me a cynic...

(Sorry about that. Let's all take a moment to compose ourselves and wipe whatever we were drinking off of our monitors and keyboards.)

But, is it just me? Or, does nothing about this story pass the smell test?

Aside from the ABC News report, there is no other version of the story.

Just credulous news sources, web sites, bloggers and Facebook posters repeating the original ABC News story.

No journalistic investigation. No facts to back up the original story's claim.

Just multiple sources repeating the same ABC News story.

Over and over again.

Hell. If you pay close attention to the ABC story, you will realize that, even though they reported it without question, you can tell that even they have their doubts about the story's veracity.

The same Florida law enforcement agency that didn't want to prosecute Zimmerman in the first place, now wants us to believe that George "emerged from hiding" just in time to save the lives of a family of crash victims.

They claim that he stuck around to answer a few questions, then rode off into the sunset.

Someone wants us to believe that George Zimmerman is....

                                                          ...The Lone Fucking Ranger.

Here is the problem.

The Blog, by his own admission, is not a journalist.

But, because he is the sort of person who wants to get the facts on many subjects, he lays out a few dollars a month to subscribe to LexisNexis, a service that actual journalists use for research.

And The Blog can find no indication that there has been an accident on the I-4 and Route 46 in Florida in the past week.

Which suggests that the whole story is a blatant lie.

Weird, huh?

Over on Facebook, only one of The Blog's friends expressed doubt about the veracity of the story.

Robbie ("Cousin Oliver" and whichever "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle" he supplied the voice for,) Rist, had this to say.


Come back tomorrow for "Part Two" of "The Last Zimmerman Rant."

Be warned!

The post will include a "Twitpic" of Geraldo Rivera that you will never un-see.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

One Giant Leap

Two nights ago, The PC said that he was taking a couple of nights off from posting.

And yet, here I am.

Last night's quick correction of an earlier post probably doesn't count.

But still.

Here I am.

"They pull me back in."

Last night marked the 44th anniversary of the first moon landing. Just a few hours later, Neil Armstrong became the first human to set foot on the moon.

"That's one small step for (a) man. One giant leap for mankind."

No one seems quite sure if Capt. Armstrong forgot the "a" in that statement, or if the transmission just "glitched" and lost it.

Either way, the statement makes more sense with the "a" included.


What is important is this...

Everyone, everywhere, in every country that had ready access to a television broadcast, witnessed these historic moments, together, as one people.

As "mankind."

Has the history of the world ever had a more unifying moment?

Most Americans, who were alive in the 1960s, remember where they were when they learned JFK had been assassinated.


I was three years old, soaking an infected big toenail in epson salts and eating a bologna, mustard and ketchup on Wonder Bread sandwich, waiting for the "Captain Penny" show to come on.

TMI? I don't care.

*End Digression*

And those of us who were alive on that night in July, 1969 remember where we were, then.

I was up way past my bedtime. Sitting in front of the family television.

My Mom and Dad were there. Two of my sisters were also present. My youngest sister was technically present, also, but, would not actually be born until 8 days later.

The Blog's faulty memory likes to think that he and his family were witnessing history being made on a 28 inch Dumont, black and white TV.

This isn't the exact Dumont that we had, but it is the closest that I could find on Google Images.

But, thinking hard, I think that, by that time we had actually, finally, upgraded to a color Zenith TV.

It is not much of a stretch to believe that The Blog Dad finally replaced the old Dumont for the specific purpose of having the new TV in time for the moon landing.

That feels true to me. So, it probably is.

I do know this to be true.

Following instructions from the newspaper, The Blog Dad adjusted the contrast on the TV screen, so that the young, future Blog could take photos of the event with his Kodak Instamatic™ camera.

I don't know where those photos are, today.

What I do know is that they came out looking something like this...

So, no real loss, there.

The PC still treasures his sketchy memories of that night.

There are a few facts about that moon landing that blow The PC's mind.

The Blog's grandparents were alive when two brothers in Dayton, Ohio, built a machine that flew a few feet off the ground.

(One of his grandfathers became a pilot in WWI, for the Army Air Corp.)

And, they lived long enough to see a man from Wapakoneta, Ohio (not far from Dayton) walk on the moon.

How amazing is that?

For the next four years, several Americans walked on the moon.

And then, it all stopped.

An incredible number of people, a whole generation or more, depending on how you measure generations, weren't even born when Neil Armstrong walked on the moon.

An even more incredible number of people believe that the whole moon landing thing was a hoax, played out on a soundstage in Arizona.

(Those people are regular visitors to Breitbart.com and WND.com.)

*The Blog will not direct traffic to conspiracy theory web sites. If you want to check them out, do so at your own risk. And tighten your tin-foil hats.*

Okay. The PC is done for tonight.

Tomorrow night, I might take a break.

Or, I might not.

The Blog is currently sautéing one last rant about "Zimmerman/Martin."

Tomorrow night or the next.

We'll see.


One of my sisters, (not the one who wasn't born yet, but the next oldest,) has confirmed that we did, in fact, witness the moon landing on the old Dumont. So, I guess the old PC's memory is better than he thinks. 

Which, it just occurs to me, means that I saw both the news about JFK's assassination and the moon landing on the same TV set.

Also, she pointed out that I got the name of Neil Armstrong's hometown wrong. I have corrected that and will not speak of it again.

Saturday, July 20, 2013


Last night, The blog mistakenly said that singer, songwriter Amanda Palmer was Irish. It turns out, she's American.

At least I didn't confuse her with Laura Palmer.

That is all.

It's Hard Out There for a Satire Pimp

Your old Uncle PC is tired of being outraged.

He is ready to get back to being amusingly annoyed.

He wants to be funny, again.


The Blog has talked about this before, but it bares repeating.

It is getting harder and harder to write satire when so much that is actually going on in the world reads like an Onion fever dream.

Take for example this story about gazzilionaire Charles Koch, one half of The Koch Bros. comedy team.

On an international note,

The Taliban wants Malala to stop being mean.

See what I mean?

Those stories came from legitimate news sources.

There is nothing that this blog can add that would make these stories any more hilarious.

On a related note, a new, upstart, Onion wannabe, satire web site has risen in the last couple of months called The National Report.

It has caused a lot of problems on the social media scene.

You see, in spite of disclaimers all over their site, their stories are just believable enough, (and not funny enough,) that people are sharing their stories on Facebook as if they were factual.

Ann Coulter demands to be let off a plane being piloted by a black man.

George Zimmerman is suing Trayvon Martin's family for destroying his life.
You get the idea.

The PC feels like he is spending too much time on Facebook telling friends to "chill out, stories by The National Report are satire."

So, just a heads-up. Beware of stories credited to The National Report.

Getting back to the subject of "stranger than fiction..."

Have you seen the "budget" advice that McDonald's, with help from Visa, was kind enough to share with their employees?

I know, right?

A whole lot of unrealistic figures aside, the most hilarious thing about this budget is that it boils down to...

"Get a second job and turn off your heat."

Holy shit!

Why didn't I get that it could be so simple?

I must be stupid!

I can't wait to share this wisdom with The Blog, Jr.! He is currently working two low paying jobs while attending college, and wondering how he will pay all of his bills, next month.

Praise Mickey D for the sage advice! 

(Until now, I had never thought of Ronald McDonald as an "ass clown.")

And, while blogger Timothy B. Lee at The Washington Post ( a paper that is getting a lot of heat for not one, but two, racist op-ed pieces defending George Zimmerman,) tries to rationalize the McDonald's budget as "realistic..."

The McDonald's/Visa team have quietly attempted to walk back their much mocked budget advice. Not by getting real about their absurd figures, but rather, by allowing $50 for heat. 

Seriously! How do you satirize something that is already that weird?

Moving on...

A couple of posts back, I excoriated a follower of Ayn Rand.

I wish that Alternet.org had posted this story then.

It's not funny, but it does illustrate the absurdity of Rand's "virtue of selfishness" philosophy.

The Blog witnessed, from the inside, this very thing happen to a company he was working for in the 1990s. That once major company is now hanging by a thread.


(And off topic from the rest of this post...)

Irish songstress and satirist, (Okay, maybe this is on topic!) Amanda Palmer opened a can of whoop-ass in response to a story in the U.K.'s "Daily Mail."

Watch this NSFW (unless you work for the Hefner family) video, and give The Blog a "Hell Yes!"

Thanks to The Blog's sister for pointing The Blog to this video.

That's all for now.

The Blog is going to take a break for a couple of days.

See you in a few!

Friday, July 19, 2013

Reboots & Remakes

The Blog needs to take a break from carrying on about shit that actually matters in the world.

So, tonight, let's take a breather and consider a subject that is, in the grand scheme of things, massively unimportant, but occupies a place near and dear to The PC's heart.

Movie remakes and reboots.

Before I get started, go read this post from one of The Blog's favorite web sites, Cracked.com.

I'll wait.

Okay, you're back.


Hollywood has embraced the notion of the "reboot."

And I am okay with that.

The PC tends to get excited whenever Hollywood announces an adaptation of a literary property that The PC loves.

But not without some trepidation.

More often than not, Hollywood "screws the pooch" and gives us a totally fucked up version of the original that totally misses the very thing that made the original great.


                                                                 "Howard the Duck,"


                                                  "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy."

Not so long ago, Hollywood fuck ups like these would mean that there would never be a proper movie adaptation attempted in The Blog's lifetime.

Enter the Reboot.

The definition from The Premature Curmudgeon's official dictionary defines the reboot thusly...
 Reboot (noun): The admission by Hollywood movie studios that they royally fucked up a potential franchise, and are now willing to invest in an attempt to fix the problem by pretending that the previous adaptation of a project never happened, in order to make said potential franchise viable.
 The reboot is a good thing, in The Blog's opinion.

The reboot allowed The Blog to live long enough to witness Warner Bros. shit-canning of the legacy of the hideous, big budget camp-fest that was..

                                                                "Batman and Robin"

... to reboot the Batman franchise with Chris Nolan's "Dark Knight" trilogy.

Arguably the best comic book based films ever made.

Bottom line...

A bad movie no longer means that a better version will never happen.

That makes The PC happy.

If a reboot of "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" gives us the movie or series that it deserves, then, carry on!

Sign me up! I am on board!

Now, how about a proper Howard the Duck reboot? 

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

12 Befuddled Men (& Women)

Gather 'round, my bloglitts. I have a story to tell you.

It's a story about an alleged crime, a trial, a jury, and an almost certainly guilty man walking free.

It is not a dramatic story. There was no murder, no rape, no violence, no theft.

In fact, in the big picture of criminal jurisprudence, it's kind of a stupid story.

But, it has some of the elements of a good court story.

Racial tension and lurid innuendo. "He said, she said." testimony. Allegations of police misconduct.

And a lingering mystery that has never been explained.

it's not John Grisham.

But it is all true.

The PC knows it's true, because he was there.

The PC wasn't just a member of the jury. He was the jury foreman.

You are on the edge of your seats now, aren't you?

First, let's meet the defendant and the plaintiff, then on to the case.

The Defendant...

A tall, handsome, black man in his late 20s. A personal trainer, by profession. One could tell, not only by the way he carried himself, but by his impeccable grooming and expensive, tailored suits, that his personal appearance was a point of pride.

The Plaintiff...

A 30-something Korean woman. A wife and stay-at-home mother. Birdlike and nervous. Well dressed. A tenuous grasp of the English language.

The Case (as it was presented in court)...

About 10:30 PM on a Friday night, the plaintiff was returning home to her up-scale apartment after seeing a movie with her husband.

The husband dropped the plaintiff off at the building's front entrance and drove to the garage to park.

As the plaintiff approached the entrance to the building, she saw the blinds of a ground floor apartment window open, revealing the defendant, naked and masturbating in front of the window.

(I told you it was a lurid tale!)

The plaintiff immediately pulled out her cell phone and called 911.

The police arrived shortly after. The defendant answered the door in a silk robe. Police found "a greasy substance" on the blind pull.

The police charged the defendant with "Indecent Exposure" and "Lewd Conduct."

Seems pretty "open and shut," doesn't it?

Enter, The Prosecutor and The Public Defender.

And, this is where it all falls down the rabbit hole.

The Public Defender...

A small, apparently highly caffeinated, white woman. Flighty, disorganized, prone to dropping papers and rummaging for the photo or notes that she needed and going off on irrelevant tangents. Repeatedly admonished by the judge to "get her shit together."

(Okay, maybe not his exact words. But, we all knew that was what he meant.)

A P.D. so comically incompetent that, being that this is Los Angeles, one might have suspected that she was working on her audition for a role in "My Cousin Vinny 2."

So far, things aren't looking so good for our self-pleasuring (allegedly) defendant.

The Prosecutor...

A large, intimidating black woman with a laser beam stare. The sort of "type" that modern television cop and court shows like to cast as a major authority figure.

Things are really not looking good for our defendant.

I suppose a word or two about the judge is appropriate, here.

The Blog has served before this same judge several times. Either on a jury or as a perspective, but dismissed, jury candidate.

His Honor is a hard-ass. He does not suffer fools gladly. He exhibits a dry sense of humor, but does not like to have his time wasted. And, in this particular case, his eye rolls, sighs, admonitions to both the P.D. and the Prosecutor to stay on topic, (and also, because the case was being tried while The World Series was being played,) his occasional updates of the score to the courtroom (indicating what it was that he kept checking on the second laptop on his desk,) telegraphed his own feelings to the jury about the case currently in front of him.

It truly seemed that this was going to be an easy case.

But it went on for two and a half days.

As laughably lacking as the defense's case was, from start to finish, it was the prosecution that screwed the pooch.

The responding officers could barely get their stories straight. Not out of any sort of malice or misconduct, (I exaggerated about police misconduct.) But, because the whole thing went down nearly a year earlier, and the incident was so idiotic, they retained very little of what actually happened.

Then there were the "witnesses." None of whom actually "witnessed" the incident in question.

The witnesses were all tenants of the building. All were Korean. Many of them were related to the plaintiff. All testified to seeing the defendant parading naked, or nearly so, in front of open doors or windows.

And, every testimony shot down by the judge as irrelevant to specific case.

Did I mention that this went on for two and a half days?

And now, to the jury room.

The jury was diverse. Men and women. White, black, latino. (I don't recall any Asians, Korean or otherwise. But, no matter.)

We spent the first half hour or so just scratching our heads and thinking, "What the fuck?"

We had spent nearly three days witnessing the weirdest damned thing we had ever seen.

Then, one black man on our jury stated that he believed that the defendant, being the only "brother" in the apartment complex, was being railroaded by the plaintiff and the other Korean tenants, to drive him out of the building. A position that this juror would maintain for the duration.

Have I mentioned, yet, that the duration of the jury deliberation was three days?

That's right. Three fucking days! One half day longer than the actual trial.

That one guy aside, the rest of us agreed, from the start, that both parties should grow up and stop wasting our time and the resources of the court system.

The defendant should have kept his blinds closed and, if he wants to get his freak on in the future, there is a chain of "all inclusive" resorts in Jamaica that would cater to his every kink.

And, the plaintiff should stop acting like she has never seen a dick before.

Issue solved, less than an hour into deliberations.

But no. We were tasked with the responsibility of determining, beyond a reasonable doubt, if a crime had been committed.

And for the next three days, we puzzled, and puzzled. (Until our puzzlers were sore.)

And in the end, even though we all, (well, eleven of us, anyway,) knew in our guts, that our guy was guilty of yanking his crank in front of an open window, we all harbored "reasonable doubt" about whether he knew he was exposing himself to the plaintiff, or if he was just caught up in the moment, and opened his blinds to flaunt his ecstasy to the world in general.

So, adhering to the "letter of the law," we had to find him...

 "Not Guilty."

Do you know what sucked the most about that?

I said so in that jury room.

That insanely incompetent P.D. is going to, happily, celebrate this as a "win." Never understanding that our decision only meant that the prosecution lost.

There was a moment of closure, however.

As the freed defendant left the courthouse, so did the jury.

And one of our number, a wonderfully outspoken Latina lady, marched up to the defendant and said, " You don't know how lucky you just got! From now on, keep your dick to yourself. Next time, you might not be so lucky!"

I mentioned an unexplained mystery.

Here it is...

The day before the trial got underway was the afternoon that the jury was seated, the rules were stated by the judge, and the case was summarized. The jury was introduced to the defendant and the plaintiff. And at that point, the plaintiff's side included her 10-year-old son, who, at that point, was a witness to the incident. "Indecent Exposure" and "Lewd Conduct" in the presence of a minor would have been a far more serious crime. But, and here is the mystery, less than 18 hours later, the minor son had vanished from the story, as if he had never existed. He was never mentioned during the trial. He disappeared like Richie Cunningham's older brother.

And we, the jury, were not allowed to take him into consideration.

That's my story.

Read it and re-read it.

Then, think about far more serious trials.

Like the case of George Zimmerman's murder of Trayvon Martin.

Our current system is fucked up.

It doesn't even require a hot-shot legal team to throw a monkey wrench into the system.

We have to fix this.

I just don't know how.

Any ideas?

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

A Story About a Jury... Oh, Who am I Kidding?

The Blog promised a story.

But, stories take time to write.

And when you are an amateur, part-time blogger, writing for free...

...other things take priority over getting a promised post done on time.

The story will come tomorrow.


In the meantime...

Take this time to relax your mind.

Forget about all of the fuckery in the world for a few minutes.

And, enjoy this adorable photo of The Blog Dog...

                                                       ...Waiting for a piece of bacon.

See you tomorrow.

Monday, July 15, 2013

It Wasn't About Race

The story about our justice system that The PC promised in last night's post will have to wait until tomorrow night.

Like that's never happened before.

Tonight, The Blog would like to share a comment that was posted on his Facebook link to last night's post, as well as The Blog's response.

The comment was posted, not surprisingly, by one of my conservative friends.

Here we go...

"Did the jury do the right thing in the O.J. trials? Black on white is MUCH more acceptable than White on Black, or even same race violence. Just last week we had 5 murders in this city...only a blip on the news about it. Sad the media got envolved [sic]."
My response...
"I reject your premise that "black on white, etc." is more acceptable. Murders of all sorts happen all of the time. Most pass unnoticed by the media. But while race certainly factored into the Zimmerman case, it was not the central issue.

The real issue was this...

An unarmed minor, walking home from the 7-Eleven, with a reasonable expectation of safety, was pursued, confronted and, ultimately, shot to death, by an armed adult who has, in the past, demonstrated a certain degree of paranoia and vigilanteism. Race does figure in in-as-much as Zimmerman has shown in past 911 calls that he seems to have a problem with young black men.

Zimmerman played cop, judge, jury and executioner, that night. That is a fact and nothing else should have mattered. Not even if, at some point, Zimmerman "feared for his life." Where was Trayvon's right to protect himself? Where was his right to "stand his ground?"

That the media and the defense painted Trayvon as a "thug" should have been irrelevant. And, I would hazard to say that if Trayvon had been "lily white," the same pundits who have portrayed him as a thug would instead have focused on Zimmerman's ethnicity and the narrative would have been very different.

Full disclosure... I got to know Trayvon's family this past spring. Decent, middle-class people who did not raise a "thug." I also met Zimmerman's best friend. And, while I commend his loyalty to his friend, I found him arrogant, entitled and lacking any empathy for the Martin family's loss.

Did the jury do the right thing in the O.J. trial? Just as with the Zimmerman trial, right and wrong were abandoned in favor of the outcome depending entirely on the competence and showmanship (or lack thereof) of the defense and prosecution.

So, if by "the right thing," you mean finding a verdict based solely on the performance in the courtroom, then yes. The jury did the right thing.

In both cases.

But that doesn't make either thing right.

And that is what is truly sad."
Which, by happy coincidence, bridges nicely to the story that I will tell you, tomorrow night.

One more thought.

The PC can't quite figure out why so many conservatives, especially those who really are not racists, are performing such mental acrobatics to defend Zimmerman.

The best I can come up with is this...

It's not really about race.

Not even to them.

It's about guns.

Had Zimmerman been convicted, it would have called into doubt the legitimacy of the gun issue in general and the "Stand Your Ground" law, specifically.


Before anyone gets their panties in a bunch about the graphic depicting watermelon juice perpetuating a racial stereotype, that is, in fact, the Arizona Tea flavor that Trayvon was carrying that night.

Score one point for racial stereotypes.

But wait!!!

Watermelon juice also happens to be a popular flavor of "agua fresca," a drink served at barbecues and feasts in the Latino community.

In other words, something that the Latino George Zimmerman might be inclined to drink.

So there! 

Sunday, July 14, 2013

"A Riot is an Ugly Thing..."

In the weeks leading up to the verdict in the George Zimmerman case, "The Media," (and even some of The Blog's own friends,) engaged in a round of hand wringing over the idea that, if Zimmerman was found "not guilty," there would be rioting in the streets.

This "call to arms" was led by the right-wing punditry.

Yesterday, the "not guilty" verdict was read.

And a funny thing happened.

There has been outrage expressed.

There have been protests.

There have been rallies.

Do you know what there haven't been?


Not one.

So predictably, the "conservative" blogosphere and media responded by doing what they do best.

They made shit up.

You can read about their bogus "proof" of rioting, here.

That's right.

The riot in the video that has gone viral took place in Canada in 2011.


Now, before all y'all start sending me...

This link...

Los Angeles Trayvon Martin Protests Turn Violent After George Zimmerman Verdict

Know that I have already seen it.

And, I have read it and re-read it three times.

According to the story...

"...about 200 protesters stood on the southbound 10 Freeway in Crenshaw to block traffic."
"...police fired rubber bullets in order to disperse the crowd and ended up arresting at least one person on suspicion of throwing rocks and bottles at an officer."
The "violence" consisted of protesters holding up traffic on the 10 freeway for 24 minutes.

(Admittedly, not the smartest way to win hearts and minds in Los Angeles.)

Police fired rubber bullets and a couple of rocks and bottles may have been thrown.


This is Los Angeles.

We know from riots.

THIS was NOT a riot.

Now, I like The Huffington Post.

I have worked with Arianna, herself, a couple of times.

I have a few friends who contribute to HuffPo on a fairly regular basis.

But, HuffPo should be ashamed of themselves for using such a hyperbolic headline for this story.

And to my friends who slept with one eye open, their preferred fire arm on the night-stand...

... You should be a little bit ashamed, too.

Tomorrow night, a story about our dysfunctional justice system, and why I am not buying the argument that the Zimmerman jury did the right thing. 

Saturday, July 13, 2013

No Justice. No Humor.

The verdict is in in the case of the murder (yes, God Damn it, murder) of Trayvon Martin by  racist, wannabe cop, ass-wipe George Zimmerman.

And, I have nothing witty to say about it.

The pundits have suggested that the prosecution did a shitty job of presenting their case.

They are probably right about that.

But what the fuck does that matter?

An armed vigilante with a history of calling 911 to report, "fucking punks who always get away," pursued, (against the advice of a 911 dispatcher) an unarmed youth who had every right to be where he was.

Did Trayvon "stand his ground" and confront, or even attack George Zimmerman?

Maybe he did.

Who could blame him?

But, the bottom line is this...

George Zimmerman put a bullet through the heart of an unarmed teenager.

                                            And tonight, George Zimmerman walks free.

While scum sucking, right-wing pundits like Ann Coulter celebrate.

                                                          "Hallelujah!" she Tweets.

What a cunt. (And that is not a word that I throw around loosely.)

But, maybe, just maybe, George Zimmerman has been given the sentence he deserves.

A lifetime of looking over his shoulder and sleeping with one eye open.

(To be clear, The PC is not advocating violence against Mr. Z. And he has nothing to fear from The Blog, as The Blog lives 3,000 mile away. I'm just saying that I wouldn't want to be him, right now. Or ever. That's all.)

Justice was not served in Florida, tonight.

But Karma is a cold, hard bitch.

Just ask O.J.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Dave Allen At Large

It's been a night or two since The Blog posted something new.

Which, for a blog is not a good thing.

A blog has to publish on a regular basis, or readers get board and distracted by other blogs and before you know it...

... the blogger is, pretty much, talking to himself.

Which may be a bit less healthy than...

... well...

... publishing a blog on a regular basis.

My point is...

(What the fuck was my point?)

Oh, yeah!

My point is that, some nights, This Blog is too damned exhausted from working an actual job, to write anything particularly clever.

Fortunately, The Blog occasionally mentions something in a post that gives him an easy follow up when it suits him.

A couple of posts ago, I mentioned Irish comedian Dave Allen.

                                                                           This guy.

The Blog hit YouTube™ and discovered a whole ass load of clips of Dave.

Here is a good one to get you started.

For a whole lot more, search Dave Allen at Large on YouTube™.



On that last Dave Allen post, a friend asked, "Is that the guy with the finger?"

The Blog's response was something like, "If you mean the guy who stirs his whiskey and rocks with his finger, yes."

After 30 some years, The PC's memory failed him.

The PC's response should have read, "If you mean the guy with half a finger, yes."

Dave is missing half of his left index finger.

Which, he claimed, was dissolved away from years of stirring his whiskey with it.

Seems legit.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

As Seen on TV

The Blog is not, generally, disposed to by shit that is advertised on "late night" TV.

Frankly, The PC has always found absolutely everything about infomercials disturbing.

The loud, overly enthusiastic "hosts."

The expert/ inventor/ doctor/ make-up artist, etc. who has leased their name and/or professional reputation to the infomercial company.

*Full Disclosure*

The Blog has several dear friends who are now, or have in the past, put their names and reputations on the line for these late-night hucksters. Past results tend to trend toward the infomercial company fucking over the expert, etc. by the third quarter of their million dollar contract, when the product doesn't catch fire.

*End Disclosure*

The disturbingly overly enthusiastic audience.

(Seriously. Who the fuck gets that excited about a food dehydrator or acne treatment, just so they can be seen in the TV audience? Who are these people?)

And, the just barely "A- List" celebrities, hanging on for dear life to their declining "Q Ratings," who jump on board with testimonials for the products.

Off the top of my head, here, I'm thinking Pamela Anderson, Cher, and Minnie Driver.

*Disclosure #2*

The current infomercial featuring Minnie Driver is promoting a product, that if it works as claimed, is some sort of fucking miracle, and the doctor that has lent his name and reputation to the product is a close friend of The Blog, and had damned well better hand over some free samples. If the product is all that it claims, The PC will be it's #1 cheerleader.

*End Disclosure #2*

But, when did "As Seen on TV" become such a thing?

And why should anyone give a shit that a product is worthwhile just because they have the budget to by air time?

The original seeds were planted back in the late '60s, early '70s, by companies called "Popeil," RonCo," and "K-Tel."

Way back then, the face of the original TV infomercial was Ron Popeil,

Salesman, investor, alleged inventor (although, I have my doubts.)

Son of businessman Samuel or Seymour Popeil, (there is conflicting documentation regarding his name.)

The thing is this...

All three of the above mentioned companies enjoyed a somewhat incestuous relationship.

Sometime in the 1960s the Popeil pere jumped into bed, business-wise, with the Canadian company K-Tel and it's founder Philip Kives to sell kitchen products like the "Slice-O-Matic" and the "Veg-O-Matic." Pre-cursors to modern food processors and the current infomercial throw-back...

                                                                     The Slap Chop.

Eventually, K-Tel moved into the record business, marketing recorded music compilations of all sorts, as well as record sorters and players, to the television viewing public.

*Disclosure #3*

In the late 1970s, The Blog owned a K-Tel Record Selector, a rack that used the "domino theory" to display record albums, one at a time, until his collection of vinyl exceeded it's twelve album capacity. At which time, The Young PC discarded it in favor of an apple crate that he liberated from a dumpster behind his local I.G.A. grocery store.

He also owned the K-Tel record "Goofy Greats" and probably a couple of other "novelty record" compilations, which fueled his future love for the work of novelty D.J. Dr, Demento.

*End Disclosure #3*

The spawn of the elder Popeil...

...Ron Popeil...

...followed in his father's footsteps and branched out with his own company...


Daddy must have been proud!

Ron appeared in most of his own commercials.

Selling, mostly, kitchen utensils and toys.

Every one, "The perfect Christmas gift."

He borrowed phrases from the state and county fair hucksters that came before him.

"How much would you pay?" and "But, wait! There's more!"

Most of his products were named "Mr. Something."

"Mr. Fisherman."

"Mr. Chef."

"Mr. Knife."

"Mr. Dentist."

(Seriously? The Blog is not buying into anything called "Mr. Dentist." The Blog needs his dentists to be called "Dr. Dentist.")

The Blog is reminded of an old George Carlin line...

"If you nail two things together that have never been nailed together before, some schmuck will buy it from you."

And, who of a certain age, can forget Mr. Popeil's greatest innovation?

"Mr. Microphone."

"Hey, good lookin'! I'll come back for you later."

Did this particular pick-up line work for anybody, ever?

The PC doubts it.

But, the man sold a shit load of "Mr. Microphones."

In the 1980s, the infomercial took it to the next level.

Full half hour (and, sometimes even hour long) "paid programming" infested the late-night and, even, weekend daytime, airwaves. And, later, our email inboxes.

Who is to blame?

The PC doesn't know.

It may have been Tae-bo workout guru Billy Blanks, make-up artist Victoria Jackson (not to be confused the with former SNL member and right-wing nutzoid by the same name,) or the noisy Aussie who is no longer with us, (may he rest in peace,) who rammed "Oxi-Clean" down our throats.

The fact is, the infomercial is now a ubiquitous reality in our culture.

We have, at least, two cable networks, "QVC" and "HSN" that depend on "B-List" celebrities like Joan Rivers and "celebrity experts" like former porno make-up artist Alexis Vogel to power their 24 hour programing schedule.

Credit card in hand, the insomniac, late-night viewers buy, buy, buy the crappy jewelry, cosmetics and chtotskies that they sell.

So, what was my point?

*Deep breath*

Oh, right.

It was this...

In the last month or so, The Blog has purchased not one, but two, "As Seen On TV" products.

And The Blog is okay with that.

About a month ago, The PC found the "Topsy-Turvey Tomato Planter" at the "99¢ Only Store."

The Blog loves growing his own tomatoes. But, it's a serious hassle.

Tying up the vines kind of sucks. And, since his local grocery store now carries organic, heirlooms, why bother?

But, for less than a dollar, (if you don't count the $3.00 cost of the plant,) growing an heirloom tomato plant upside down seemed like a worthwhile investment.

The Blog thinks that the fact that a planter that was once priced at $19.99 is now being sold for less than a dollar is not a good sign. But, so far, his tomato plant seems to be thriving. I will let you know if it eventually bares fruit.

The Blog also purchased a "Pocket Hose."

A ten foot hose that expands to fifty feet when the water is turned on.

So far, it seems like a pretty great product.

But, from it's very name to the reality of it's function...

Everything about the "Pocket Hose" feels like a sophomoric sex joke.

Short and wrinkled in it's flaccid state, it grows to five times it's original size.

The Blog could describe what happens when the "Pocket Hose" is "turned on. "

But, that description would read like bad "Mommy Porn."

The "Pocket Hose" is a good, no, great, product.

But, The Blog gets totally weirded out, every time that he uses it.