Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Spiderman versus Batman? A Debate...
Enough about politics, religion and guns, for now.
Let's address the truly important questions.
Who is the better superhero?
Spiderman or Batman? Who is cooler?
This is a response to a blog post that you can read here....
Go ahead! Read it. I'll wait....
Okay. Welcome back...
First, "...No Spiderman TV show?"
You call yourself a lifelong Spiderman fan, but you don't know that Spidey had a TV show for two seasons from 1977 to 1979?
Here it is!
The Blog can forgive the general lameness of the spandex and screen print costume because of two words...
Now, let's move on to the "10 Reasons..."
1. "He spins webs..."
The whole spinning an organic web substance from his wrists thing was an
invention of the Sam Raimi movies. And, since that was used as a hilarious and
insightful analogy for pubescent, premature ejaculation, it was sort of the
antithesis of "cool." And, it was abandoned in the reboot.
In all other incarnations, including the comic books and animated TV series,
Spidey's web shooters were gadgets.
And, while it is impressive that a high school student invented such a thing,
Wayne Enterprises may have experimented with something like that, but the
science supports grappling hooks and "Bat-Ropes" as more plausible.
And, about that webbing... Who had to clean all of that shit up when Spidey was
done? The NYC taxpayers, I would guess. Batman's ropes are reusable and do
not litter the streets of Gotham.
To be fair, Peter Parker must be in touch with his feminine side. NTTIAWWT!
But, only the female arachnid spins webs.
Webbing vs. Bat-Ropes... A draw.
2. "He has a girlfriend..."
Yes, he does. Mary Jane "M.J." Watson. He married her, eventually.
Before M.J., there was Gwen Stacey.
That's cool. Peter Parker is a kid. He's too young for any sort of permanent
relationship. He will, eventually, earn his permanent relationship with M.J.
Bruce Wayne is young, rich, handsome and, considering his nighttime
activities, just not ready to settle down. He plays the field. As far as "fanboy"
fantasy goes, that way trumps Spidey's serial monogamy.
And, in the end, two words... Selina Kyle.
That's right! Catwoman!
How do you like him now?
M.J. vs. Catwoman... Point to Batman.
3. "He isn't wearing underpants on the outside..."
This is true.
In the early "Black and Gray" days it seem to be the case.
As a fashion statement, that puts him in good company with Superman and
But, at least Bats is wearing underpants.
According to "The Amazing Spiderman" star, Andrew Garfield, his Spidey
costume was so tight, he couldn't wear underpants.
In a rubber suit!
That is gross, sweaty and TMI!
Point to Batman.
4. "He can kiss upside down..."
Point to Spidey.
5. "He isn't afraid of spiders or bats..."
Young Bruce Wayne was afraid of bats. He grew up, dominated his fear and
now calls bats his friends.
Spidey was bitten by one spider. No fear. Just an encounter. It is never
Point to Batman for channeling his phobia.
6. "He doesn't need a sidekick..."
According to the early years of Batman's "Detective Comics," Frank Miller's
"Batman: Year One," and Tim Burton and Chris Nolan, Batman doesn't need a
sidekick, either. He just got saddled with one. And, hey. There is nothing
wrong with having a team!
*An aside... The Blog has always found Robin irritating. An unnecessary
addition, dictated by a need to appeal to a young demographic. Two
The third Robin... Batman first encountered street urchin Tim Drake when the
young Master Drake was stealing the tires off the Batmobile.
That is pretty bad ass!
"The Dark Knight Returns" Carrie Kelly was the first distaff Robin.
Funny how, as recently as the mid 1980s, the idea of a teen girl as Robin was
Point to Batman.
7. "He can stick to a wall unaided..."
See the above about the 1977 TV series.
8. "He is colorful, not dowdy..."
" To each his own," they say.
Batman is "The Dark Knight." He works in the shadows in the night.
Spidey is kind of a show off.
And, a wise ass.
Two different style choices.
Therefore, A draw.
9. "His real name isn't two first names..."
So fucking what?
Point to Batman.
10. "He's never been played by George Clooney..."
This is true.
And, while Andrew Garfield is probably "hotter" than Tobey Maguire, (In a
sparkly Twilight vampire sort of way,) Tobey was far more plausible than
Garfield as the semi-nerdy Peter Parker.
The fact is, George Clooney was probably the best cast Bruce Wayne/ Batman,
ever. Unfortunately, he was saddled with a God-awful script and a camp-fest,
drag queen director.
Spidey has benefited, as Batman did not, by never being directed by Barry
Sonnenfeld, while being played by Neil Patrick Harris.
Not that there is anything wrong with that.
To be clear.... The Blog loves his friendly neighborhood Spiderman!
But, superior to Batman? Never!
To sum up...
No prepubescent fanboy could ever, realistically, hope to get super powers from a radioactive spider.
But, with enough money and enough training, he could aspire, as unlikely as it would seem to be, Batman.