Monday, February 11, 2013

School Safety: The Newest Reality Show?

Last night, Mrs. Blog had the TV on, the sound turned down, the evening news was playing.

The Blog's attention was caught by what appeared to be a massacre at a school. Overturned cafeteria tables. Bodies on the floor. Someone in a ski mask and body armor and an automatic weapon.

Cut to a close-up of a fat, bearded, balding man, speaking.

The chyron read, "Steven Seagal."

"Huh!" The PC thought to himself. "That fat, bearded, balding man has the same name as the ridiculous, aging, has-been action movie actor."

By the time that The Blog had found the remote control to turn up the volume, the story was over and the news had moved on to the important story of the night, CBS Television's edict that there would be no "exposed buttocks flesh, side breast or female breast nipple," (as opposed to, I don't know, female elbow nipple?) on tonight's Grammy™ Awards show.

                                                                                     Because that worked.

The Blog assumed, correctly, that the scene of carnage that had just been shown was some sort of simulation.

But, The Blog didn't know the half of it until sometime late today, when he got the full story.

The simulation in question occurred in Arizona.

A training exercise for America's Most Batshit Crazy Sheriff, Sheriff Joe Arpaio's newly minted posse of gun totin', school protectin', vigilante yahoos.

And if that is not bug fuck crazy enough...

... the training was lead by...

That fat, bearded, balding man with the same name as the ridiculous, aging, has-been action movie actor.

Who, it turns out is none other than...

That fat, bearded, balding, aging, has-been action movie actor...

                                                                                         Steven Seagal.

(The Blog tried to find a screen shot from that news report on Google. Because, fuck! But, he couldn't find one. The above image is the closest that he came.)

(Seriously, the fat, bearded, balding dude that The PC saw last night looked a whole lot like... The PC! True story!)

Here is the full story.

Do you, my blogglitts, remember 1988?

The cinematic debut of Steven Seagal in "Above the Law."

The press package presented Seagal's resumé as a former Navy Seal and retired CIA agent.

About 15 minutes after that PR release, the whole thing was thoroughly debunked.

Seagal's history was a completely bogus fabrication from a movie studio's PR department.

No one seemed to care.

He made a few bad but kick-ass movies, so that was fine.

In 2009, his bogus resumé was good enough to get him deputized into some backwater Louisiana sheriff's department so that he could play "Cops" in the "reality" series "Steven Seagal: Lawman." A show that probably led quite a few of Louisiana's drunk drivers to think, "What the FUCK?!?!" and give up drinking forever.

So, there is that.

But, Arizona's (State Motto: "Come for the dry air, stay for the overt bigotry.") Sheriff Joe, thought that this artificial Hollywood construct would be the perfect choice to train a bunch of gun totin', school protectin', vigilante yahoos (Did I use that phrase, already? Yes, I did. But, what else can I call them?) from gun totin', terrorist, yahoos.


What the fuck?

This is the scariest, freakiest, monkey fuck craziest thing that The Blog has heard since the TSA and CIA consulted with the producers and writers of "24" about the fine points and ethics of "enhanced interrogation."

                                                                   "A bullet in the thigh will do the trick."

So what is really going on here?

The Blog is seriously afraid suspects predicts imagines that this whole insane exercise is nothing but a pilot for an Arpiao produced, Seagal starring reality show for A&E.

"Steven Seagal: School Lawman."

Sounds crazy?

It is... *ahem*... pilot season.

Don't be surprised if our next security exercise is "Chuck Norris: Protector of White, Non-Anchor Babies."

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