Saturday, March 29, 2014

"Riiiight... What's an Ark?"

So, apparently, A movie version of the Biblical story of Noah and his boat opened in theaters, tonight.

To be honest, your Blog thought it opened last weekend.

Okay, to be really honest, the movie "Noah" was produced by Paramount Studios.

The Blog works at Paramount.

He is an employee of another division of the mega-corporation that owns Paramount.

So, aside from some confusion about the release date, The Blog knows all about the Noah movie.


Next week, the password for the studio's wifi network will be "noahsark."

You heard it here first.
The epic film is directed by Darren Aronofsky and stars Russell Crowe, Anthony Hopkins, Jennifer Connelly and Hermione Granger.

Kidding about the Hermione Granger thing.

Some more honesty...

The only reason that The Blog might, actually go see this movie is...

                                                                      Emma Watson.

Which would be totally creepy if it was "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone."

But, she isn't 10-years-old anymore.

So, it's only a little bit creepy.

So anyway and also, too...

The movie is out and "lo, the fundies of every stripe, from Christianist to Islamist are not having it. There is much rending of clothes and gnashing of teeth over liberal, Godless, Hollywood's blasphemy."

First, the Muslims are pissed because, as many Christianists forget, much of the Old Testament, including the Book of Genesis, also makes up the content of the holy books of Islam and Judaism.

That's right. We are all "The Children of Abraham, yo."

The Muslims count Noah as a profit of God (aka: Allah.)  More so, in fact, than the Christians do. And Muslims are not at all down with any depiction of their holy profits in "art or entertainment."

So, they won't be lining up for popcorn and floods.

The Christianist poutrage is more baffling to me.

Yet some more honesty...

It blows The PC's mind that there are still modern Christians who take the story of Noah as literal fact.

Back when The Blog was a teen and still went to church, his pastor, the Reverend Doctor H. Richard Bucey gave a memorable youth sermon about the story of Noah and how it was a parable, intended to teach a lesson through, seriously absurd, humor.

Sort of a Biblical precursor to Mad Magazine.

But, what evs.

The fundie Christianists are totes pissed about the movie.

And, most of them have not even seen it.

They are super-duper angry that the movie's fictional story doesn't adhere to the Bible's fictional story,

And, they are extra pissed about that Godless heathen, Bill Mahr's take down of the whole thing.

I could post a bunch of links to examples of fundie anger.

But, I am just to lazy to do so.

There is this newfangled thing called Google™. Check it out.

Be sure to look for Glenn Beck's hilariously tone deaf take.

So, everyone who wants to be offended by a big budget, H'wood movie version of a Bible story gets to be offended.

Early reports have the movie doing boffo box office in it's first night on the screen.

As an employee of the corporate monolith that released the film, I have to say...

"Yay! Us!"

But, in the bigger picture...

Has there ever been so much righteous indignation over a H'wood depiction of a Biblical story?

Were these people this angry when Charlton Heston starred in...

                                                            The Ten Commandments?

Where was the poutrage for...

                                                          The Greatest Story Ever Told?

Were these H'wood adaptations absolute, word-for-word adaptations of their Biblical origins?

No, they sure were not.

Look. The Biblical story of Noah is Genesis chapters 6-9.

That's about three pages, or a dozen paragraph inches.

Do you want it short, sweet and totally irreverent? 

William H. Cosby, Ph.D., nailed it way back when.

Did this piss anyone off? No? Why not?

Do you want factual, Biblical accuracy?

Then go ahead and suck on "The Unicorn Song."

Written in the 1960s by the Jewish, African-American author Shel Silverstein...

Made popular by the not at all Irish, band of Canadians, "The Irish Rovers."

Still no poutrage over this oh so silly depiction of "Biblical fact."

No. Not much at all.

And why not?

Probably, (and Your Blog is just guessing, here...)

No one knew who Shel Silverstein was...

They had no idea that "The Irish Rovers" weren't .

And, the President at the time was a Texan who didn't have to prove it by presenting his birth certificate.

Moving on...

So turning the story of Noah into a two hour plus movie is going to require some artistic license.

Sort of in the same way that Dr. Suess' "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" was going to have to pad the story if it was going to be successfully adapted into a half hour TV special, or a two hour movie.

If you can't cope with that, don't go see it.

Take comfort in the fact that, in the next few weeks, the Bishop T.D. Jakes produced...

                                                                  "Heaven Is For Real"

Which is totally based on a totally true story, because T.D. Jakes says so...

Is coming to a theater near you.

Or, you can Netflix or Redbox whatever lame movie Kirk Cameron is currently pushing,

Carry on.


  1. LOVE IT! We can't make sense out of nonsense. ;)

    1. But the Bible is the inerrant Word of God! Or it would be if we could ever find two versions of the Bible that didn't contradict each other in 1000 plus instances.

  2. Great read! Meanwhile, back in the rational world, science/scifi/history geeks are also nitpicking the movie for anachronisms. Me? I love a good anachronism. The folks of ancient times are far too smelly and brutal for me to stomach for any amount of time.