Friday, May 31, 2013

Michelle Bachmann: Final

Okay Blogglitts. The PC is finally ready to put the whole Michelle Bachmann thing to bed.

Have you picked your favorite head-scratchingest parts of her announcement?

Have you pinpointed the most delusional points?

The Blog thought he had it all broken down to a couple of highlights two nights ago. But the fact is, with each subsequent reading of her statement, he feels more and more like Alice after she fell down the rabbit hole.

"Curiouser and curiouser."

So let me see if I can get this over with before I start babbling like the dormouse.

1.) The Statement in it's Entirety.

     Remove the handful of references to the fact that she has decided not to run next       
     year and it reads like a campaign ad rather than a resignation. Scripted,           
     rehearsed, flawlessly lit, seriously post-produced. And, don't forget the soaring               
     music. All it is missing is the tag, "I'm Michelle Bachmann, and I approve this message."
     Which brings us to...

2.) The Medium.

     This sort of announcement is usually made at a mid-morning press conference. A 
     YouTube™ video, posted in the wee hours, in addition to the advantages listed in   
     comment 1, gives the announcement time to go viral in time for the morning news 
     cycle, while avoiding the need to bolt out of the room before those pesky reporters 
     can ask any uncomfortable questions.  It's the same sort of dickish move as  
     breaking up with your girlfriend via voicemail.

     Also, did you notice that there is an ad before the video plays? That's right,  
     Michelle is making a small profit every time someone views the announcement.

3.) The Content.

     From the rambly dissertation about legal and voluntary term limits of   
     Congresspersons and the President to the self-congratulatory back patting.
     From the self-delusion that her past "work" and anything she does in the 18       
     months until she leaves office has had any actual impact on the country,
     (*NOTE* In her time in office, Michelle has passed not one single piece of 
     legislation.) to spending  more than a paragraph towing the party line and riding  
     the coattails of Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan and their   

      And Islamophobia, homophobia and Obamaphobia. The IRS and Benghazi.

4.) The Timing.

      The Blog's favorite part of the statement is the paragraph where, instead of 
      outlining why she has decided not to run again, she lists the reasons that have  
      absolutely nothing to do with her decision. Like, the latest polls that show her 
      approval ratings slipping against anyone who might run against her.
      Or, that not 48 hours earlier, the investigation by the Congressional Ethics 
      Committee and the Department of Justice became a criminal investigation when   
      the FBI got on board.

      (This is a classic narcissist move. Assume that the listener is so stupid that listing 
      the very facts that prove the lie will convince the listener that she is being honest.)

5.) The Preemptive Strike.

    "I fully anticipate the mainstream liberal media to put a detrimental spin on my decision not   
     to seek a fifth term. Since I was first elected  to Congress many years ago, they always seem  
     to attempt to find a dishonest way to disparage me. But I take being the focus of their attention
     and disparagement as a true compliment of my public service effectiveness."

     (Another textbook narcissist move.)

6.) Thanks to Family, God, Supporters, God and 23 Foster Children.

      And God.

And finally...

The most ridiculous, absurd, insane thing about it all?

Michelle has Tea-bagging supporters that still think that she is the shit. And they will continue to support her and her surrogates (Ted Cruz knows it,) and her batshit ideology.

And, Roger Ailes has a six figure contract waiting for her.

                                                                 "Feed your head."

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