Friday, May 31, 2013
Michelle Bachmann: Final
Okay Blogglitts. The PC is finally ready to put the whole Michelle Bachmann thing to bed.
Have you picked your favorite head-scratchingest parts of her announcement?
Have you pinpointed the most delusional points?
The Blog thought he had it all broken down to a couple of highlights two nights ago. But the fact is, with each subsequent reading of her statement, he feels more and more like Alice after she fell down the rabbit hole.
"Curiouser and curiouser."
So let me see if I can get this over with before I start babbling like the dormouse.
1.) The Statement in it's Entirety.
Remove the handful of references to the fact that she has decided not to run next
year and it reads like a campaign ad rather than a resignation. Scripted,
rehearsed, flawlessly lit, seriously post-produced. And, don't forget the soaring
music. All it is missing is the tag, "I'm Michelle Bachmann, and I approve this message."
Which brings us to...
2.) The Medium.
This sort of announcement is usually made at a mid-morning press conference. A
YouTube™ video, posted in the wee hours, in addition to the advantages listed in
comment 1, gives the announcement time to go viral in time for the morning news
cycle, while avoiding the need to bolt out of the room before those pesky reporters
can ask any uncomfortable questions. It's the same sort of dickish move as
breaking up with your girlfriend via voicemail.
Also, did you notice that there is an ad before the video plays? That's right,
Michelle is making a small profit every time someone views the announcement.
3.) The Content.
From the rambly dissertation about legal and voluntary term limits of
Congresspersons and the President to the self-congratulatory back patting.
From the self-delusion that her past "work" and anything she does in the 18
months until she leaves office has had any actual impact on the country,
(*NOTE* In her time in office, Michelle has passed not one single piece of
legislation.) to spending more than a paragraph towing the party line and riding
the coattails of Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan and their
And Islamophobia, homophobia and Obamaphobia. The IRS and Benghazi.
4.) The Timing.
The Blog's favorite part of the statement is the paragraph where, instead of
outlining why she has decided not to run again, she lists the reasons that have
absolutely nothing to do with her decision. Like, the latest polls that show her
approval ratings slipping against anyone who might run against her.
Or, that not 48 hours earlier, the investigation by the Congressional Ethics
Committee and the Department of Justice became a criminal investigation when
the FBI got on board.
(This is a classic narcissist move. Assume that the listener is so stupid that listing
the very facts that prove the lie will convince the listener that she is being honest.)
5.) The Preemptive Strike.
"I fully anticipate the mainstream liberal media to put a detrimental spin on my decision not
to seek a fifth term. Since I was first elected to Congress many years ago, they always seem
to attempt to find a dishonest way to disparage me. But I take being the focus of their attention
and disparagement as a true compliment of my public service effectiveness."
(Another textbook narcissist move.)
6.) Thanks to Family, God, Supporters, God and 23 Foster Children.
The most ridiculous, absurd, insane thing about it all?
Michelle has Tea-bagging supporters that still think that she is the shit. And they will continue to support her and her surrogates (Ted Cruz knows it,) and her batshit ideology.
And, Roger Ailes has a six figure contract waiting for her.