Thursday, December 19, 2013

The Worst Christmas Song. Ever.

Just about two years ago, tonight...

(Give or take a night or two...)

Your Uncle PC first contemplated the idea of starting a blog.

The PC was a regular reader of several blogs. So, he got the whole concept.

For quite some time, several of The PC's friends, (and one therapist,) kept encouraging me to get into the blogging thing.

"Yeah, right," I said, "Like I don't get into enough trouble on Facebook."

The PC succumbed to peer pressure to make a Facebook page several years ago, then, finally, two years later, a blog.

Now everyone, and I mean "everyone," thinks that I should be on Twitter™.

And, by "everyone" I mean, at least 12 people.

So far, The PC has resisted that temptation, but...

Heads up...

2014 is around the corner, and The Premature Curmudgeon is seriously considering joining the ranks of tweeting twits and twats.

I'll let you know when (and if) that happens.

That feels like a *DIGRESSION*

But it isn't.

Bear with me.

That night about two years ago, your old PC had something he wanted to bloviate about, and it finally became clear that a blog would be the perfect place to do it.

So I started the process of researching the blogosphere for my blogging options, and eventually settled here on Google's™

*An actual *DIGRESSION**

I know. I am bouncing between first person and third person like a ping-pong ball.

We will throw in a "Royal We" here, to turn the ping-pong ball into a pinball.

Because it's my blog and I/ He/ We  will do what I/ He/ We want.


To make a long story less long,

By the time I got down to actually committing the act of blogging...

It was the end of January and the subject that inspired the birth of this blog had become dated.

"No worries," I told myself. "I'll just sit on the topic until next December. By then, I will have had an entire year to write my blogging magnum opus. And it will be epic."

Mid-December, 2012...

The time had arrived.

Time to post the greatest curmudgeonly rant ever ranted.

His "Iliad," his  "War and Peace," his "Fifty Shades of Gray."

The time had come for The Blog's masterpiece.

"The Worst Christmas Song Ever Written."

*Back Story*

Until a couple of years ago, The PC was blissfully unaware of the song.

The song's genre is country-ish.

So, no surprise there.

But, a couple of years ago, a house down a few blocks installed one of those awesome computer controlled, Christmas light shows that syncs with music narrow cast over a low  powered AM radio station.

Granted, it wasn't as freaking awesome as the McMansions that you can find on the YouTube™ that display synchronized music by "Mannheim Steamroller" or the "Trans Siberian Orchestra." But, it was the same system, synching a smaller scale version on a 13,000 sq. foot, "California Bungalow."

It was kind of cool, and it always made Mrs. Blog, (who is in chronically poor health and spends a lot of time feeling shitty,) happy.

So, we visited this house, (or, to be more accurate, stalked this house,) a couple of times a week.

We would watch as the lights flashed, strobed and had general conniptions, to such classics as Jingle Bells," "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day," " The Carol of the Bells," (The music mix was bell intensive,) and "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer."

But, no matter what time we arrived for the show, it seemed that we never missed the song that I came to think of as...

"The Worst Christmas Song, Ever."

*End Back Story*

The first time I heard this song, I bought into it, hook, line and jingle bell.

I actually got teary.

But, like a Monet painting, the closer I got to it, the more it seemed like a mess.

The Blog's goddamned critical thinking kicked in and by the fourth or fifth listen, I began to realize that the song wasn't just a blatant act of emotional manipulation...

It, actually, bordered on outright evil.

So, when the time came to, finally, blog about it, The PC was giddy.

But, before The Blog would blog about it...

He had to research it.

He got on the internets and Googled™ the song to learn the "Who, How, Why and When, " of it.

But, the Google™ results informed The Blog of something he had not anticipated.

Someone else had already beat him to it.

Someone else had already ranted, hitting every point that The Blog had planned to make.

If The PC had posted the post that he had labored over for nearly a year...

It would have looked like plagiarism.

The PC was devastated.


He took to his bed for a month. His dog bit him, his wife left him, he lost his job and he didn't shave or bathe, or get out of his pajamas.

Okay, none of that is true.

But, as my "conservative" friends would say, after "sharing" a Facebook meme about how "Obummer" is an anti-white, nazi, socialist, muslim would say...

"It feels true. So, it's valid."

Moving on to today, December 19th, 2013,

The PC has come to terms with the whole thing.

He has made peace with the usurper who stole The Blog's thunder.

The song, (because, I know that the suspense is killing you,) is...

"The Christmas Shoes." 

On so many levels, it is, seriously, the most awful, narcissistic, piece of crap ever recorded.

And that is all that I, your humble PC, will say about that.

Instead, because I have made peace with the trollish, but admittedly genius, little man know as...

                                                                     Patton Oswalt,

who is so fucking successful and is everywhere...

Beat The Blog to it by a year...

I will just let him break it down for you.

Now, get out of my head, Patton.

I mean it!

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